It was announced recently that CHS has finally begun distributing season passes for the brand new fifth floor pool! 

Students are required to maintain a minimum of a 100% average in their core classes and perfect attendance in order to be eligible for a pass. “The pool is a privilege, not a right,” CHS principal Mr. Sorentino reminded students over the announcements last Friday. “If your grades or attendance begin to slip, we reserve the right to revoke your pass.” Additional requirements include a last name that’s five letters long, a height of 5’ 3’’, and a street address with four digits. Also, students who cannot hold their breath for a minimum of seven minutes must wear inflatable arm floaties at all times, both in and out of the pool (floaties in colors reflecting cougar pride are preferred). These can be bought at the school store from our new floatie dispense machine.

Throughout the year, the pool has undergone a massive renovation and is now a whopping 100 feet deep and even dips into Mr. Wagenblast’s room for extra space! According to the psychology teacher, he “doesn’t mind at all.” His class has even taken advantage of the opportunity to study the social behaviors of students in an aquatic environment, with a special fish-eye lens peering straight into the diving end of the pool. Lining the perimeter of the pool are recycled student IDs that have been abandoned at the main office – an environmentally friendly way to reuse plastic! An added bonus, the piercing eyes of the pictures of former students encourage swimmers to keep the pool clean. 

Mr. Wagenblast’s AP Psychology is not the only class to take advantage of this amazing opportunity. Mr. Leong, the marine science teacher, recently received a grant in which he will receive three sharks and two string-rays to be kept in a portion of the pool for his students to study. Mr. Leong is very honored to receive the grant, which also includes enough seal carcasses to keep the sharks fed and happy. In response to this grant, Nurse Ahern expressed a bit of concern but, when questioned, she told students not to worry. “A first aid kit and trained paramedic will be located in an office on the pool deck at all times if one of the marine animals is to get injured,” she shared as CHS parents sighed with relief. 

It gets even better! If you visit the pool during lunch hours in the latter half of the week, the cafeteria staff open a special concessions window, offering pool-exclusive Lay’s Baked Potato Chips, three flavors of muffins that are practically indistinguishable from each other (but the chlorinated water is a great palate cleanser!), and the leftovers from Wild Wing Wednesday. 

To any concerned parents, the pool will have a lifeguard stationed on its deck at all times. The school has already been flooded with teacher volunteers eager for the opportunity to serve the pool throughout the school day. Gym teacher Mr. Chervinsky was especially excited. “I’ve been training for this my whole life. I can’t wait to break out my flip-flops and swim laps around those kids.” Others weren’t as thrilled. Ms. Capece commented, “I think I’ll stick to teaching Junior Health.” She was also shorter than 5’3”, so the joke was on her anyway.

In an effort to raise money for pool maintenance, the school will be hosting a fundraiser this coming Thursday where students can pay $1 to vote for their favorite teacher to swim a lap in the pool filled with maple syrup! Please come out and support the school for this excellent cause.

We can’t wait to see you at the end-of-year pool party! 

*This article is satire.