I Tried Every CHS Muffin So You Don’t Have To


Abby Nam, Writer

If you’ve ever been in the lunch line, chances are that you’ve passed by those giant Saran-wrapped mounds of deliciousness. For $2.75 each, they’re a steal, but are they as delicious as they look, and which ones are actually worth your money? 

I indulged in a plethora of these sweet treats this past month to account for variability in size and taste just to make sure my taste buds weren’t off on any particular day, and certainly not because I needed a valid excuse to eat a bunch of muffins and developed a set of criteria for what even constitutes an ideal muffin, heavily inspired by Good Mythical Morning’s entertaining review of every single cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory:


  1. Size. Do they measure up to what I’d expect for a baked good priced at $2.75? This also factors in the consistency of size for each flavor. 
  2. Overall Texture. The muffin top should have crisp edges but a moist, cakey interior. Even though we all know the bottom of the muffin isn’t nearly as good, it should still taste velvety and not crumbly or dry. 
  3. Overall Appearance. While I think there is something aesthetically pleasing about cracked muffin tops, I still want a somewhat proportional muffin width-to-height ratio. It’s a muffin, not a cookie, after all. 


Considering all of these factors, I embarked on a mission to rate each muffin the school cafeteria had to offer in February, with some help from my friends and fellow muffin enthusiasts. 


Red Velvet

  • Size: 8/10
  • Texture: 8.5/10
  • Appearance: 8/10

Overall, the red velvet muffins that I tried were everything I expected and more. I’d never go out of my way to buy red velvet desserts of any kind, but I was pleasantly surprised at the huge, decadent chocolate chunks in the bottom half of my muffin. However, the parts of the muffin without these chocolate chunks were a bit dry. The crusts on the muffin tops were decently developed, but compared to the other two on the list, they don’t stand out. What did stand out to me was their vibrant red appearances immediately catching my eye in the lunch line. 


Double Chocolate

  • Size: 9/10
  • Texture: 9/10
  • Appearance: 10/10 


The two that I tried a few weeks apart were both just as monstrous, in the best way possible. For me, there’s no such thing as too much chocolate, and I appreciated that every bite was embedded with chocolate chips. I’m already partial to brownies and chocolate cake, so naturally I was enthralled by the richness of these treats. The interior was moist and not nearly as crumbly as the red velvet muffin, but I did notice on my napkins a visible oil stain and a sheen of oil on my fingers both times I ate these, so I would recommend eating these in particular with a fork, or having plenty of napkins on hand. 


Chocolate Chip

  • Size: 6/10
  • Texture: 10/10
  • Appearance: 7/10


Out of the other two types I had the pleasure of enjoying, this one was definitely the smallest on average, and appeared rather underwhelming upon first glance, looking more like a charred cornbread cupcake than a chocolate chip muffin. However, these actually proved to be the underdogs in terms of texture in this muffin round-up, because these had, surprisingly, the best muffin tops and overall flavor. Every mouthful was full of chocolate chips and a fluffy, cakey bottom layer.  I suspect this is because the smaller size allows for a crispier crust throughout, unlike the other varieties. Also, you just can’t go wrong with a classic chocolate chip muffin.


If I had to choose one to exclusively eat, I would probably pick the double chocolate muffin, but as a whole, our cafeteria’s muffin lineup is very well-rounded. I would love to see a wider variety of flavors available, like blueberry, apple cinnamon, or pumpkin, and in rotation year-round. If CHS ever does decide to expand its muffin repository, I’ll update this review. However, I’ve actually been eying the chocolate chip brownies and crumb cakes near the registers recently, so I’ll be pretty busy eating through the entire lunch menu until then.